consultingpurplepants:

Ok but

Uni!lock

John preparing for his biggest med exam so far, and Sherlock taking it more seriously than anything else in his entire life

---

John coming into the kitchen one morning to find a diagram of a hypertrophic heart taped to the fridge with a note

How many things in this fridge could make me worse? Explain the mechanisms of heart failure

And John shaking his head and smiling as he takes a look inside, quietly reciting to himself

---

Sherlock popping into the loo while John takes a shower, twisting the temperature knob all the way to the right while shouting

Explain the mechanisms your body uses to warm itself in a cold situation!

And John yelping out his answer, frantically trying to bat Sherlock’s hand back out of the curtain

---

John reaching for the tea bags only to find the box taped shut, and Sherlock shouting

Explain the consequences of eating nothing but tea and toast for our entire lives!

And John trying hard not to laugh as he explains that they’re not nearly old enough to worry about that yet

---

John rolling over in the middle of the night to find Sherlock staring down at him, whispering his name over and over again until he opens his eyes, and this time there’s no shouting, there’s no demanding, there’s no ice water or notes; there’s nothing but a quiet, uncertain whisper

Explain to me why you love me?

And John pulling him close as he murmurs a completely non-scientific explanation into his curls, and Sherlock’s smile lighting up the dark room

pale-silver-comb:

I just have such a profound need for best friend to lover AUs when both sides think there is no chance of anything ever happening.

Sharing beds together since they were little kids and never really growing out of that habit even though it now hurts to be that close to each other, knowing it will never be anything more than platonic cuddling. 

Each of them being that one person the other goes to to feel better when they’ve had a shit day or date. Bonus if it’s 3am and they spend all night talking.

Neither of them realising how much they act like they are dating/married and getting super flustered or sad when someone asks how long they’ve been together because do you have to remind me of this painful unrequited torment I die a little more with every passing second?

How much they make each other smile when one of them walks into a room. 

Drunk kissing.

Practice kissing.

Going as each other’s dates to everything because it’s “convenient”. 

Wearing each other’s pyjamas when staying over somehow becoming more arousing than if the other person was naked. 

Having inside jokes and finishing each other’s sentences as casual as anything. 

Knowing random medical shit about each other. Bonus if one of them takes an allergic reaction to something and the other one just pulls out some random ass medicine like they carry it around all the time- spoiler: they do- just in case of this exact eventuality. 

The heart break of seeing each other with other people but doing their best to see it through with grin and with as much encouragement as they can muster. 

Staring a little too long at each other. 

The awkward moment when they reach the age they said they would marry each other if they were still single.

Getting fake married as kids and family members always reminding them about it , maybe going as far as to put on the video of the fake ceremony and giving them knowing looks.  

Something happening- a kiss, sleeping together- and getting into an argument about it, scared this is it, this is the end, that they’ve fucked up and just wishing they could talk to each other about it, to their best friend. 

Having the best black mail material on each other but ready to pounce on anyone else who so much as dares try black mail their BFF. 

Having a song. Having a whole playlist. 

Laughing the first time they have sex. 

Already having seen each other at their very worst.

Getting to say cheesy things like, “I can’t believe I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend” or “I know I’m marrying you but…do you think I could still be in charge of your send off party? I’ve been planning this night for ten years and I will not have someone else mess those plans up.” 

Even after years of being together, still being in awe of the fact they get to have the one person they thought they’d never get. The person they helped ask other people out. The person they used to give the “you deserve someone who loves you for you” speech to. The person they used to look at and wonder why does it have to be you? The person they look at now and think it could never have been anyone else. 

lizmapes:

tragicashwritingprompts:

because i haven’t seen enough of these around and i am so here for angst:

• “today was the first family gathering i’ve been to since we broke up and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again¨ AU
  
• ¨i still have your phone number memorized even though i haven’t called you since we split and somehow i remembered it even though i’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, i know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive¨ AU
  
• “i’m pretty sure if taylor swift and i were in a competition of who could write the most breakup songs in one night, i’d win by a landslide because i still set two plates out for dinner even though i eat alone and it’s almost pathetic because we’ve been broken up for ages but i’m still not over you” AU
  
• “so i know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but what the fuck do you mean you’re engaged to be married¨ AU
  
• “yes, i know this is your sweatshirt and that we broke up five months ago but it’s really comfy okay. i totally don’t wear it because like it still smells like you or is the only thing that even remotely feels like home since i moved out. pfft. absolutely not.” AU
  
• “look, i know we agreed to be friends and everything but that’s what everyone says when they break up. i can’t take you asking me for advice on how to ask out the new person you’re interested in, okay? it’s killing me” AU
  
• “oh hi, totally didn’t expect to see you here at this one hole in the wall coffee shop literally no one in the entire world besides you knows about. what a coincidence.” AU
  
• “it´s my [insert family relation here]´s wedding and seeing all these happy couples is killing me and all i can think about is how this was almost us” AU (bonus: “i know that it’s two in the morning and i’m dressed really formally and a little (a lot) bit drunk but i couldn’t stop thinking about you after my grandma asked how you were doing also can i come in it’s freezing out here”)
  
• “i still have your sister’s scarf and i know it’s stupid but i’ve been hoping maybe one day you’ll come by and pick it up so we’ll be forced to talk again because i haven’t seen you in months and i’m maybe kinda sorta still in love with you” AU
  
• “i know we were never officially together or anything but seeing that picture you posted on [insert social media] with him/her literally felt like you carved my heart out of my chest and stomped on it and i’m not really sure why i’m leaving this voicemail but my pillow still smells like you and i miss your stupid face” AU
• “we have a lot of mutual friends so we see each other more than two broken up people usually do and i know we’re not really close anymore but you’re wearing that stupid (adorable) hat you always wore when you were upset so tell me what’s wrong because it’s literally killing me to see you look so sad” AU
  
• “so like, i know we broke up and stuff but funny story, i haven’t told my family yet and they just assumed you’d be coming with me for [insert family celebration] and i really don’t know how to tell them and i know this is really selfish but i can’t break my great grandma’s heart like that, she’ll probably have a heart attack and– wait what? you’d do that for me? holy shit, i love you… wait–” AU
• “i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because i’m a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and i’m not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” AU
  
• “well this is really awkward considering the last time we saw each other, i was screaming at you to never talk to me again, but like, my dog recognized you all the way across the park and literally dragged me over here because she misses you so hi” AU

omg i love these

vitruvianwatson:

Teacherlock AU where teacher John puts his mobile number on the syllabus so that if anyone has questions that can’t wait they can text or call and Sherlock Holmes, his smartest and most disruptive student who also happens to be infuriatingly gorgeous texts him every single night, first only simple things about papers and due dates which John knows he doesn’t actually need help with, but they progressively stray further and further away from education and, as guilty as John feels about it, he can’t help himself from responding, and he only makes half-hearted attempts to make Sherlock stop texting him.  

They don’t discuss it in class or in person at all, but Sherlock soon takes to sitting on the front row, his eyes heavy-lidded and trained on John, and he’s always wearing ridiculously tight clothing, the buttons on his shirt straining and his jeans so tight John doesn’t have to use any imagination to envision him naked, and it is, to put it mildly, incredibly distracting.  Soon the texts at night turn far more inappropriate than John ever intended them to be, and he often spends time that should be spent on grading papers with his hand around his cock instead.

They still don’t talk about it, not yet.  Then Sherlock starts spreading his legs wide beneath his desk, and he runs his hands along his own thighs while John lectures, and he unbuttons the top two buttons on his shirt, fingers skimming along the curve of his neck and down into the vee made by his shirt.  John puts up with it for as long as he can, which turns out to be a good while actually, a few weeks even, but eventually he can’t stand it anymore, and next class he attached a note to the paper he returns to Sherlock that simply says, “See me after class.”  

Sherlock spends the rest of that class smirking, and he remains in his seat until everyone else has left the lecture hall, at which point he gets up and meets John at the front and says, “You wanted to see me, Dr. Watson?” and John, fucking sick of it all at this point, just growls, “Shut up,” and pulls him down into a hard, searing kiss.  Sherlock’s muffled sound of surprise is intensely gratifying, and John shoves him back against the wall, already pulling at the fastenings on his jeans and working his hand inside.  Sherlock’s head falls back with a moan as John wraps a hand around his cock, and John strokes him hard and rough, Sherlock’s hands scrabbling against John’s back as his knees go weak, and he bites into John’s shoulder when he comes.

Sherlock’s chest is heaving as John eases his hand out, trailing a line of soft kisses up the side of Sherlock’s neck until he reaches his ear where he whispers, “I think we’re done with the teasing, don’t you?”  Sherlock just swallows hard and nods, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, and John nips at his ear.  “My flat, eight o’clock.  Don’t be late.”  And then John steps back, picks up his briefcase, and leaves the lecture hall with a smirk on his face despite the incredibly uncomfortable situation in his own trousers.  He feels sure Sherlock will take care of that for him later.

anotherwellkeptsecret:

AU where Sherlock is the strip dancer hired to entertain on John’s stag night. 

therealmartinsgrrrl:

I just really need a GBBO au where John and Sherlock are both bakers and they help each other through the whole competition and everyone can see they have terrible crushes on each other but both of them are too shy to say anything and in the finale Sherlock wins and instead of racing off to hug his family, he turns right to John and John’s like, “aw fuck it” and grabs him and snogs the hell out him, like bends him backwards and Sherlock’s clutching at John’s back trying not to fall in the grass, and the whole crowd starts hooting and hollering and Paul stands there and smirks and Mary covers her mouth and looks shocked and Sue and Mel make a really dirty sex joke, and yeah I just really need that fic like now.

cup-of-hot-coffee:

General

• ‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU
  
• ‘I’m on the verge of tears because of a rude customer and you step in and stand up for me’ AU
  
• ‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au
  
• ‘Why does this cost TEN DOLLARS THIS IS AN OUTRAGE’ AU
  

Hairdresser AU

• ‘You’re my regular customer and I’m in love with the feel of your hair’ AU
  
• “Rumor has it that you’re a hairdresser with magic fingers and you can fix any bad hair day so that’s why I’m here’ AU
  

Gift store AU

• ‘Why the fuck are you choosing that for a gift to your crush’ AU
  

• ‘You walk in and offer to pay me to wrap your gifts’ AU

Florist AU

• ‘I work as a florist and every day you walk in, buy one flower and give it to me’ AU
  

• ‘I work part-time in a flower shop and you keep asking me about what this flower means in flower language and I honestly don’t know so you end up giving me a lesson’ AU

Jewellery shop AU

• ‘You walk in and ask for the most expensive piece are you loaded to the gills what the fuck man’ AU
  
• ‘I’m the employee and this is the first time ever I’ve met you but you buy me a necklace saying the gem compliments my eyes’ AU
  

Coffee Shop AU

• I write a bad pick up line on your cup every time I’m your barista’ AU
  
• ‘You’re the customer and you get back at me for all the times I’ve spelt your name wrong by mispronouncing my name in increasingly horrible ways’ AU
  
• ‘You’re really short and cute and you buy a cup of black coffee every morning but you make weird faces as you sip it and you never finish your drink are you trying to look mature or something’ AU
  
• ‘Should I be concerned about how much caffeine you’re taking in’ AU

Bakery AU

• ‘Your love of strawberry shortcake really doesn’t match your appearance but i still think that’s really cute’ AU
  

• ‘Every morning you walk in and inhale deeply then walk back out seriously just buy something already’ AU 

Drug Store/Chemist AU

• ‘You embarrassedly place your items into the counter so I call a price check just to make you feel more awkward, but it turns out one of your items were actually overpriced’ AU

Bartender AU

• ‘You’re the bartender and you catch someone slipping something into my drink’ AU
  
• ‘I ask you to concoct something from all the ingredients on the list i gave you and it ends up tasting so horrible and wrong that i can’t stop laughing’ AU
  

Teacher AU

• We’re both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from students and you’ve won for the past three years’ AU
  
• ‘Romeo and Juliet of the math and english dept. in school’ AU
  

Writer AU

• I’m a writer and when it gets close to my deadlines I neglect taking care of myself so you’ll pop in my house every so often to make sure I’m doing okay’ AU

Fast food Chain AU

• ‘You just ordered a smile and I look at you like you’re batshit insane before bursting out into laughter’ AU
  

• ‘You’re an employee and I have a crush on you so when you hand me the soft serve I accidentally grab it by the ice cream instead of the cone’ AU
  

• ‘We have a free refill policy for soft drink and you’ve prepared several empty bottles what the fuck’ AU
  

Corner Shop AU

• ‘I see you come in here every day to buy the same drink and one day I leave a message on the bottle’ AU
  
• ‘You run in looking really panicked and you ask for 6 gallons of milk why’ AU
  

 

Restaurant AU

• ‘You’re a famous critique and I’m a server and I get so nervous that I trip and spill the dish all over you’ AU
  
• ‘You’ve always been a good cook so I encouraged your start your own restaurant and seven years down the track you own one of the most successful businesses’ AU
  

Idol/Manger AU

• ‘I’m your manager and holy shit you have crazy fans’ AU
  
• ‘You’re an idol and you got the lead role in a romance drama and you practice at my expense’ AU
  
• ‘Can you please act appropriately do you know just how many of your fuck ups I’ve had to cover up last week’ AU 

Firefighter AU

• ‘You’ve just been saved from a burning building and you’re begging to go back in to save your pet cat’ AU
  
• “No that’s impossible how the fuck did you manage to get it to catch fire?!” AU
  

Sex Line Operator AU

• ‘I called you because I was curious and wow you have a very soothing voice can you please sing me to sleep’ AU
  
• ‘I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour’s’ AU
  

And Finally:

• You’re a drug lord and I think I’ve just walked into your drug den’ AU
  

sorry not sorry

lukenewberry:

• “okay buddy you’ve been serenading the wrong window for about five minutes now, time to let you know my neighbor is out of town” au
  
• “you hired me to be the surprise stripper for your friend at this bachelor/bachelorette party and they did not take it well and threw both of us out in the freezing cold this is all your fault” au
  
• “i’m the superhero’s sidekick and you’re the superhero but i don’t know that and we both met on an online dating website and you look really familiar?” au
  
• “you’re a stress baker and i stay up too late working and i’m writing a thank you note to the ethereal being responsible for the food magically appearing in the common room” au
  
• “it’s autumn and we’re both picking pumpkins upstate but you picked one that’s bigger than you are and it looks like you’re struggling oh god do you need help???” au
• “you were trying to make a snow angel but the snow is too deep and you can’t get back up and i’m trying to decide whether to keep laughing at you or help you” au
  
• “i’m a figure skater who’s trying to practice and you took your baby cousins out to the rink but none of you can skate do you need help??” au
  
• “you’re supposed to be on a blind date with someone but you sat down at the wrong table and i haven’t been able to get a word in edgewise to tell you that and it’s been thirty minutes” au 
  

jonahryan:

• You drive a massive SUV and steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you’re hot AU
  
• I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU
• I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are AU
• We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out AU
• I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it” AU
• I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore AU
• I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you AU
• You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and more clever AU
• Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store AU
  

lukenewberry:

• “i’m a horror game developer and you’re well known for playing my game and your face looks really stupid when you scream” au
  
• “i’m the band teacher and you’re the choir teacher and we take our rivalry more seriously than our students do” au
  
• “i found your number in a library card on a scrap of paper with some really confusing random words i’m intrigued and i’m calling you so you can explain” au
  
• “you’re my theatre department rival for this lead but we got cast as love interests instead” au
  
• “we’re both hired as disney world royalty and our characters never intermingle but that won’t stop me” au
• “i picked up your bag at the airport but i can’t find your number so i’m about to embark on the largest scavenger hunt of all time by using your strange belongings to track you down” au
• “you’re a celebrity who just broke up and i tweeted you a selfie with the caption “date me” as a joke but you thought i was serious?” au
  
• “we’re cosplaying at comic con dressed as a pair and we didn’t come together but people think we did and i have yet to meet you?”
  
• “you’re an extra for my superhero movie and you clearly have no idea how to do this” au
  

and picture a superhero Johnlock au where:

• John is the town hero and Sherlock is the town villain
• Sherlock and John are still roommates
• Sherlock and John are in love but they both believe it’s unrequited
• Sherlock is the first to figure out that John is the superhero he’s been fighting and uses this information to his advantage by causing mayhem every time John has a date so his relationships never work out
• Sherlock deducing that John isn’t a hero because he wants to save lives, but because he’s an adrenaline junkie and John just cocks an eyebrow and asks “Does that mean you’re like my fix?” and for once Sherlock doesn’t have a snarky retort
• John realising their ‘situation’ while he’s stitching Sherlock up at their apartment after a fight and Sherlock won’t tell him what happened, and the next time he sees Sherlock during battle he points to the stitches and compliments his ‘doctor’s skillmanship’ and Sherlock just rolls his eyes at John complimenting himself
• Sherlock falling over a ledge during a fight and John instinctively reaching out to save him and pull him back up. And Sherlock just asks wide-eyed why John just saved his arch enemy and John doesn’t know how to respond so he just runs away leaving Sherlock standing there thinking maybe John doesn’t really hate him after all…
• John finally coming home and giving Sherlock the tightest hug and Sherlock says nothing but hugs him back just as tightly because they’re both so aware of how close they came to being separated forever and it hurts so much that they can’t actually say anything about it 
• John being the guest of honour at a town banquet, and he brings Sherlock as his plus one, and the entire time they sit there giggling like idiots because no one else knows the town villain is also in attendance

walkingentityofsnark:

go-fluff-a-duck:

waitineedaname:

I’m genuinely surprised at the lack of Internet based AUs on this site so I came up with some

• ‘so you’re the asshole that took my username’ AU
• ‘your URL is really similar to my friend’s and I accidentally messaged you’ AU
• ‘whoops that was supposed to be on anon’ AU
• ‘my self-esteem is shit right now and I noticed you just went through my entire face tag, tell me I’m pretty’ AU
• ‘you were like my first follower, why are you still here’ AU
• ‘I just recognized you from across the store and I don’t know what to do, my training didn’t prepare me for this’ AU
• ‘I think half of my anons are from the same person and I’m trying to track you down’ AU
• ‘we both ship the same obscure pairing, let’s get married right now but first let’s share headcanons’ AU
• ‘I was looking at my new followers and I think you were my crush that moved away in fourth grade’ AU

walkingentityofsnark

I can probably work with these

niphuial:

bisexualclarke:

• “i came to the gym to work out but holy god i can’t stop watching you do one armed push ups that’s so hot” au
• “this is totally awkward considering before this the only interactions we’ve ever had have been casual nods to each other in the hallway but there’s a huge fucking spider in my bath tub and you seem like the friendly neighbor type please help me” au
• “you’re the only delivery person who gets to my house in any semblance of the word fast which is why i keep requesting you but you don’t believe me and tease me constantly about it” au
• “okay i get it you’re a great thief and don’t want to go to jail but i’m the exhausted af detective that’s assigned to catch you i stg if you let me bring you in so i can sleep i’ll get you a good deal” au
• “okay i get that there are no seats left in this cafe but like i am trying to read here no you cannot have this chair my feet are using it thank you very much please get out of my face now” au
• “my parents moved me halfway across the world when we were twelve and before that we were best friends but now i’m back and moving in across the hall from you so hi?” au
• “i’ve been travelling a lot and somehow you’re in every single city i go to seriously what the fuck who even are you how are you doing this” au
• “we’ve been nothing but friends for our whole lives but then we played seven minutes in heaven on a dare and now i think i might actually be in love with you” au
• “ngl i thought you were the weak one of this friend group but your whole life just went to complete shit around you and somehow you’re still acting the same so if you want to be weak you can be around me” au
• “my guitarist quit the night before the gig that could mean the big break for a band that i have put my soul into and supposedly you’re really good but i swear to god if you screw this up for me i will hunt you down and slit your throat” au
• “it seems we’re the only two people in this class that actually know what the fuck is going on want to team up for this project and ruin everybody’s lives” au
• “we started arguing about which hogwarts house this one character would be in and we completely lost track of time and now you’re demanding i take you out to dinner is this a date” au
• “i’m the private investigator that was hired by your ex to track you down and you totally caught me sitting outside your apartment in a rental car so hi what up” au
• “i came to check out this support group but things have kind of been majorly sucking lately and you were there and i didn’t even know anything was wrong but we’ve known each other for months what gives” au
• “i’m the lawyer helping you get custody of your daughter and oops you’re all kinds of adorable with her and also i think she’s growing attached to me is this good or bad” au
• “i meant to text the contact one above you in my phone’s contact list for a booty call but i didn’t realize i hit your name until i sent it so now i’m just sitting here feeling those little three dots hardcore judging me” au
• “we started dating after months of sexual tension between us but then you moved across the country so now we’re trying to figure out how to make this brand new relationship work long distance” au
• “so not to be rude or anything but i’ve been coming to this cemetery at this time on this day every week for fucking years and i’ve always been alone up until now seriously what the hell” au
• “it’s the middle of the night and i’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and i found this phone booth with a lock on the door and i tried to call my best friend but my hands were shaking so badly i accidentally dialed the wrong number and i don’t even know you but help me” au

canibecandid